Just, wow.

Stella keeps busy at the ER. Thankfully, none of the many available tubes were used during the ER visit. (Sorry, inside joke.)

We were back at the ER at Children’s Hospital last night, our old stomping grounds. It’s a long story that I will tell soon. But all I can right now is “wow.” All the things I thought were so hard lately, all the things I’d been tired and complaining about, my occasional shortage of patience with Stella during a terrible cold, my lingering fear about her eating, my lack of perspective despite Stella’s earlier health challenges… they’re all punching me in the face simultaneously. And I’ve made the mistake of using Vicks tissues on my eyes while crying. Bad move. It feels like my eyes are radioactive–Cody tells me they’re not glowing but I’m pretty sure I just saw some sparkly green stuff shoot out of my pupils. I was a fool. Now I’m just scared.

A head CT scan did rule out some horrifying stuff. Which is great. But serious questions about my sweet Stella’s eyes remain. A nebulous initial diagnosis hangs in the air. Simply put, this is a rare situation. As one doctor put it: “Odd.” As another doctor put it: “I don’t like it.”  My mission for now is to get Stella an appointment with the head ophthalmologist at Children’s Hospital. As soon as humanly possible. I find myself sinking back into old habits, from the days of Stella’s feeding aversion, spending any free moment researching, grasping for answers, even though we’ve yet to see the proper specialist.

I feel like such a jerk for not appreciating more how well Stella has been doing. IS doing! This is just one more challenge she’ll overcome. I can’t overstate how incredibly lucky I am to have her. And no matter what the outcome or prognosis or course of treatment: STELLA IS PERFECT JUST THE WAY SHE IS. Always has been.

There’s so much to this story. I look forward to sharing it when I have regained a bit of composure.


  1. Heather · April 11, 2010

    I hope everything is going to be ok. You are teaching us all a valuable lesson. Be grateful for what you have.

  2. amoment2think · April 11, 2010

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are human. And you are an amazing Mom. Stella is lucky and yes she is perfect just the way she is. That doesn’t make life’s throwing of curve balls any easier though. I hope things turns out okay. Hang in there.

  3. Jenny · April 11, 2010

    Oh no, Amber — I’m so sorry to hear this. It sounds worrisome although, doctors can say all kinds of crazy things. Hope to read good news here soon. Good luck getting that appointment and I’ll send Stella a special little prayer.

  4. Kathleen · April 11, 2010

    Oh my. Hang in there. It’s so hard to see our little ones unwell. I feel for you. Be good to yourself. You’re an amazing mom with an amazing kid.

  5. brandy0408 · April 12, 2010

    Hope every things okay. hopefully stella would get really better soon.

  6. amberhj · April 12, 2010

    Thank you so much everyone! Her eyes have been okay since Friday’s incident. We have an appointment with an ophthalmologist, though not for a couple weeks. We still have fears, and ups and downs when it comes to worry, but we’re doing okay. Stella’s great. She’s been chatting to herself for an hour in her crib tonight! I’ll update you soon! Really appreciate the concern–makes me/us feel less alone and scared.

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