Serves one almost-eight-weeks-old baby.

INGREDIENTS:

75-minute PediaSleep hairdryer mp3

iPod

Old-school stereo system

One small fan

Vicks warm mist humidifier

Memory foam sleep positioner

Pottery Barn Kids bassinet

Two swaddling blankets

Over-used exercise ball

One warm receiving blanket

Download the 75-minute PediaSleep hairdryer mp3, add it to your iPod, and set it to play on a continuous loop. Connect iPod to archaic stereo, and tinker with volume until it’s just short of “way too loud.” Turn on fan to provide some air circulation in the room. Turn on humidifier to combat drying effect of your home’s forced air heat–be sure to select the lower setting to prevent water from dripping from the ceiling (again).

Set up swaddling blankets, and double-swaddle baby so her arms don’t bust through during the night. This may take (more than) several attempts. Holding baby in a snuggly cradle position at a 42 degree angle, sit on exercise ball and bounce the baby gently until your back feels like it’s on fire. Up to an hour and a half later, once the baby is sound asleep, place her in the bassinet, nestled within the sleep positioner. Do this without waking her (somehow). Place warm receiving blanket over the swaddled baby, and say a prayer.

Sleeping time ranges from five minutes to six hours.