Bottle feeding progress

Cow’s milk and other assorted beverages

Posted on by amberhj

"Where the HELL is my brie???"

"Where the HELL is my brie???"

I have somehow neglected to mention that Stella is now enjoying dairy. Holy cow! Yep, it appears that Stella has outgrown her cow’s milk protein intolerance. Or, who knows, maybe she never had it and something else in my milk was bothering her–like toxic waste. Toxic waste from my boobs. We may never know. I’m just thrilled that she can enjoy cheese!

We successfully weaned Stella off of Elecare and onto Nestle Good Start with Natural Cultures (it’s stage 2, for nine- to 24-month-olds, which just means it has more calcium, phosphorus and iron). This is a standard though supposedly gentle cow’s milk based formula, and probiotics are included so we no longer have to add them to each bottle. We now get twice as much formula for half as much money. No exaggeration whatsoever. Hello savings account, we’ve missed you! After a while on this stuff, we’ll try cow’s milk, a cost-effective transition that will allow us to retire in style at the age of 50.

That said, we need to figure out next steps re: Stella and beverages. She is currently (still) enjoying three bottles a day and takes only a couple of ounces of water at best from a sippy cup in-between. She uses these easy-to-grip shorties or, less often, these taller straw cups–both are The First Years’ “Take and Toss” and cost just $3.49 for several (and no, they don’t know I exist and have not paid me to mention them to you and my other reader). My theory is that it’s just too boring. She prefers to sip from our fancy un-capped glasses, especially if we are drinking fizzy water or citrus or other adventurous (by one-year-old standards) juices.  (Put it in a sippy cup and it’s suddenly repulsive–I tried!) Actually, she prefers to dunk her hand into our glasses, until her arm is submerged up to her elbow, then bring her hand back up to the surface and splash around as if enjoying a flavored, appendage-only bath. She’s been using a straw for a couple months now. I’m always amazed at how, after sipping icy-cold something-or-other from the straw with a very concerned and pained expression, she stops, recovers, then quickly gestures (points) for more. I can’t help but blame it on Cody and his genetic predisposition toward compulsive enjoyment of  “new and exciting” beverages–anything that just landed on the shelves, anything with “Extreme” in the name, any ridiculous and frightening combination of flavors. He sees these products as dares, and he’s always IN. See? Stella views our beverages the same way.

Last night, during our weekly trip to PCC, Cody bought a single can of Hell or High Watermelon Wheat Beer. While clearly named by a copywriter after me own heart, Cody’s ruthless palette immediately declared, “not watermelon-ny enough,” and moved on. Whenever he uses our car (we are one-car martyrs), a can of some never-before-seen concoction typically involving mango is left behind. Labels fall into two categories: 1) starburst-covered design tragedies sporting titles like Extreme Lemon Ginger Caffeine Explosion (100% Unnatural!) and Lavender Pomegranate Infused Ginger Ale with a Kick of Narcotic Wasabi and 2) ultra-minimalist, too-chic designs touting gems like Dry Cucumber or Simply Kumquat.

This shared tendency will certainly complicate trips to the grocery store with Stella, and soon. While other kids demand candy, Stella will likely throw a fit over some imported sparkling juice with floral essence. For now, we linger in the chill air of the dairy case.

Open wide

Posted on by amberhj

So, as I reported earlier, we visited Seattle Children’s Hospital this week to see Robin, Stella’s wonderful and very wise occupational therapist. We wanted to check in and see how Stella is doing with solids. We were worried because she wasn’t eating as much as a nine-month-old is “supposed to” by now. She had not been showing any aversive behavior, and once in a while she’d chow down on bananas, avocado or toast, but overall, her intake of solids seemed pretty low–maybe 1/4 of a cup for an entire day and a few bites of finger food. And it was taking *forever*.

Well, Robin assured us that Stella was just fine. In fact, Stella has no feeding problems anymore, at all. I knew this deep down, but it was an incredible relief to hear it from our trusted expert.

We realized that the problem was us–not Stella. Robin gave us some very valuable pointers on how to feed Stella more effectively. It turns out that we’d been so afraid to push Stella, based on early battles over breastfeeding and bottle-feeding, that we weren’t offering her enough via spoon. We were way too timid. Stella doesn’t need to be coddled. Ever since our meeting with Robin, we’ve pretty much been “shoveling it in” and Stella has been enjoying 1/4 to 1/2 cup of baby food plus a few bites of finger food at each of her three meals. Just like she is “supposed to.” It’s amazing!

She seems to really enjoy my homemade blueberry puree mixed with a bit of cereal, and that makes me so happy! That said, Stella has a nasty cold, which is making food less appealing to her–especially chunky things like finger foods. She’s thrown up immediately after some of her meals due to coughing fits, but it’s tapering off as the worst of her illness appears to be over. It hasn’t slowed her down too much, but I’m interested to see how eating goes when she feels better.

Stella had been taking enormous bottles, up to nine ounces at a time for a total of 30 ounces of formula a day. Contrast that to the days when when 3 and a half ounces was HUGE! So in the two and a half hours before her first nap, she was getting 400-450 mls (that’s up to 15 ounces in the first couple hours!). No wonder she wasn’t into solids. She was full! As a result, we’re in the midst of a schedule shift. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but it’s made me anxious.

We had our old schedule *down.* I knew roughly how much she would eat when, and it created a nice comfort zone–for me as much as Stella. Well, as she grows we need to adjust, and that’s what we are doing now. But a low-level panic infiltrated my day. By fitting in these larger meals of solids, we are messing with the timing and amounts of her bottles. She doesn’t seem hungry enough to take a bottle RIGHT after solids. I don’t know exactly when she’ll get her 24-30 ounces for the day and it makes me nervous. I have to watch for hunger cues more closely. So, I am officially out of the comfort zone, and am figuring out what works and what doesn’t. It’s a bit of a throw back to when Stella had her tube and when we were weaning her. I never really knew when she would want to eat. I just had to pay attention and wait–not my strong suit.

I’m giving myself pep talks, and they are effective.  They sound a little bit like this:

“If I can survive the anxiety of a newborn that won’t eat, pumping around the clock, mastering the use of a god damned supplemental nursing system, navigating the complexity and chaos of hospitals and healthcare, inserting and maintaining an NG tube, getting no more than three hours of sleep at a time for two months, weaning my baby off of the tube and curing her aversion without (completely) losing my mind, I think I can figure out a new feeding schedule. Damn it, I can do just about ANYTHING.

And so can Stella.”

Nine months

Posted on by amberhj

Stella's a little shy in the pool--at first.

Stella's a little shy in the pool--at first.

So, Stella has been outside the womb for just about as long as she was in it. This seems like a big milestone to me and my uterus.

Stells (that’s not a typo–it’s one of our nicknames for her) celebrated her nine-month birthday on Sunday. The occasion was marked with a Waterbabies class (with a stop at Bellevue’s Downtown Park beforehand), and a walk to Gasworks Park. The next day, we went in to Dr. N’s office for her nine-month check-up. Ah, yes. Time for those dreaded percentiles.

Cody and I let out a sigh of relief and our shoulders dropped about six inches upon seeing the number on the scale: 19 pounds, 2 ounces. We knew that if she wound up at 19 pounds or so, she’d be at or above the 50th percentile for weight. I know, I know. It doesn’t even matter. One look at Stella tells you how happy and healthy she is. But we’ve got a nasty, lingering case of feeding aversion/tube-induced PTSD  and are grateful for any extra reassurance.

After the measurements were taken, the doctor came in, shook our hands and started tapping away on his touchscreen. He’d plugged in Stella’s stats in order to show us her growth curves, charted electronically.

“Look at this beautiful curve, ” he said, highlighting the fact that Stella’s weight was right between the 50th and 75th percentiles, just as it had been at her six-month check-up. He continued, with a bit of sing-songy positivity in his voice (which I loved), “And this curve looks great…” We saw that, for length/height, she was in the 75th percentile, just like last time. We were flying high.

Then, pointing to a dot, adrift above the highest percentile curve, he noted, “And this is how smart your baby is.” He was kidding, of course, but her head size was clearly “off the charts,” as they say. Last time, it’d been on the highest curve. Her head circumference has risen by a few percentiles between each check-up apparently. It’s not uncommon, really, and not a concern. Unless it keeps going, of course. In which case learning to walk will be a lot more challenging.

In short, Stella is thriving. Her doctor told us to feed her solids three times a day (I’d limited it to two, fearing that she might not take enough from the bottle otherwise), and to stop tracking how much formula she takes outside of that. He also suggested changing her formula to the normal 20-calorie-per-ounce concentration, which we have done. At one point, in the wake of all this, I stuttered, worriedly, with what I’m sure was a look of concern and confusion, “Um, so, like, h-how much f-formula does she NEED now?” The doctor kindly told us that we’d worried enough, and that we could stop now. Worry had become like air to us. So we are pretty much adapting to life on a new planet.

He also pointed out that, in a way, we are allowing Stella to wean herself off of the Ranitidine by not upping the dose as she grows. It reminded me of the progress she’s made int hese last three months. She’d been on two reflux medications until a couple months ago. We’ve lowered the amount of Simply Thick we put in her bottles, with the goal of soon weaning her off of that, too. She is back to the “normal” caloric density for formula–just like I’d predicted (boldy, it felt at the time) in her early tube-free days.

And that brings me to my point. So often, these days, when I look at Stella’s impossibly beautiful, beaming face, I can’t help but cry. Especially when she laughs. I remember, somewhere in the dark, dark days of December, bawling at most commercials. Our situation and those post-partum hormones were brutal–even bland Sleep Country USA ads opened deep, previously forgotten psychic wounds, apparently. But there was something especially gripping about the “Peace on Earth” spot for Pampers. Those soft, gorgeous baby faces! Those cherubic, chubby cheeks! Yes, those cheeks. Those cheeks, free from evidence of medical intervention. Those perfect baby lips, moving as if the baby is nursing in her dreams. They tormented me. Because to Stella, eating was a nightmare, not a dream, and our view of her angel face was obscured by two kinds of tape and a long yellow tube. Those babies were chubby and sleeping in a sprawled out fashion–not being force-fed while sleeping swaddled and strapped into a giant foam wedge. That commercial just seemed cruel to me at the time.

I go into her room and look at Stella every night before I go to sleep–despite that fact that by doing so I risk letting our super creaky floor wake her up. I have to do it. How could I miss out on the most beautiful sight imaginable? It is a triumph, a joy and a reminder to be grateful. I just watched the Pampers commercial again. And I have to say, Stella would fit right in with that bunch of sleeping angels–those arrogant bastards.

A drum roll seems inadequate

Posted on by amberhj

Today, we took a big step. It could save us a few hundred bucks a month while providing Stella with a better form of nourishment. OR IT COULD RUIN EVERYTHING.

You see, Stella’s formula is no longer covered by insurance. The really insane part of all this? Regence covered the formula when it was fed to her through a tube. But now that we’ve busted our asses to wean her off the tube, saving the insurance company costs encompassing her pump, tubes, tape and peripherals, they will not pay for her formula. It makes no sense whatsoever. NONE. We even had her doctor write an appeal, explaining why the formula was medically necessary. Doesn’t matter. Formula is completely excluded under the asinine rules of our insurance plan.

Stella’s elemental (hypoallergenic) formula costs about $40 for a 14-ounce can, roughly twice as much as typical formula (probably a little more). We can’t afford this right now. Especially since I was laid off. (I’d been expecting to go back to work part-time, but no dice. Did I mention I was available for freelance writing work?) That said, OF COURSE, we will continue to buy this formula and make whatever sacrifices necessary if we discover that her pricey fake milk is indeed crucial to her well-being.

A dietician recommended a formula based on hydrolyzed whey protein. This means that there is dairy in the formula. Even though it is partially broken down to “aid digestion,” this formula poses a risk. So, we’re starting slow. To make her 24-calorie-per-ounce formula, I usually make batches of 10 ounces of water mixed with six scoops of formula. So today, one of those six scoops was the new formula. I’ve read that it can take up to two days for the intolerance to rear its ugly head with symptoms like diarrhea, vomiting and general fussiness due to the pain. So I think I will stick with the low amount of new formula so that I don’t completely bombard her system with dairy.

It’s possible that she’s already outgrown the intolerance (though it usually happens closer to one year). Or that she never even had it to begin with. I’m not sure I ever explained that her “cow’s milk protein intolerance” diagnosis has never been proven scientifically. It’s just a theory based on her lab results and symptoms. Cody and I have read about another possibility: lactose overload. This could’ve happened when, after experiencing painful reflux, Stella nursed for very short periods (because taking in larger volumes exacerates reflux), giving her tons of lactose-heavy foremilk and little to no fatty hindmilk. All that lactose may’ve overwhelmed her system, which just couldn’t break it all down, causing damage to her intestines, weeks and weeks of diarrhea, terrible stomach pain, etc.

Another bit of motivation for this somewhat daring move is that her current formula consists mostly of corn syrup. Not the best quality nutrition. Might as well give her sugar water and a multivitamin. Then again, with all the corn syrup she’s eating, shouldn’t Stella be morbidly obese by now?

She was fussier than usual tonight, and her cheeks are rosier than usual, so I am already worried. Not sure we’ll have the guts to continue this trial much longer. In the meantime, I’ll be watching her facial expressions, cheeks, and general mood very carefully.

Wrong again. Then right.

Posted on by amberhj

There have been so many times during our seven months with Stella when we thought we had everything figured out, only to discover that we were completely wrong.

Back when she was refusing to eat and not gaining much weight, before her two months with the tube, we were, at one point, convinced that the issue was her poor latch. Then it was my low milk supply. We were way off, and it would take us a while to realize that Stella’s latch was indeed okay–she just didn’t want to take in milk and acted accordingly, which led to my low milk supply and not the other way around. Then we were certain that THRUSH explained why she didn’t want to eat. Nope–the doctor took one look and shot that down. Then it was lactose intolerance that was the cause of all our trials and tribulations. Wrong again! Her lab tests pointed in another direction (cow’s milk protein intolerance–whatever that means).

One night last week, Stella woke up AT LEAST a dozen times and screamed her head off upon opening her eyes. She shook her head from side to side. She was furious and clearly in pain.  Holding her, bringing her to our bed–all the usual no-fail tactics–did little to nothing to soothe her. She was incredibly fussy with the bottle (our nightmare revisited). But we thought she’d just fought off a bug of some kind, so after some quick online research, the answer seemed obvious: Stella had an ear infection.

Nope.

The next day, a pediatrician told us with 100% certainty, after peering into Stella’s adorable ears, that there was nothing resembling an ear infection. She also felt around Stella’s tummy, applying pressure in an attempt to find intestinal discomfort. There was none. There was no source of pain that could be identified, except for her second tooth coming in, just to the left of the one, in the front on the bottom, that came in a couple weeks ago. The last time a tooth erupted, sure, there was fussiness around eating but not endless bouts of screaming and almost completely sleepless nights. We were baffled. Again.

And to make matters worse, at her appointment, she weighed in a full two ounces less than the previous day’s doctor’s visit (she’d been acting like a rag doll and was clearly sick, then we thought she fought it off, then she stayed up all night screaming, then we thought she was okay for a day, then she developed a horrendous cough). Which put her one month weight gain at a mere 4 ounces and just about sent me off the edge. With the doctor’s help, we came up with a game plan to get her some additional calories. I’ll be mixing in rice cereal with all her spoon fed meals–though I don’t think she’ll ever take as much rice cereal as they want her to because she simply doesn’t like it. We have all but removed the fruit in her bottles, as it may have a laxative effect (especially the prunes) and take up the space of the more nutritionally important formula. (Though in hindsight, that plan seems futile–a sweet sort of futility made up of good parental intentions. Stella will eat what she wants to eat, when she wants to eat. And there is so incredibly little I can do about it.)

Just when we thought everything was going so well.

But then, earlier this week, she ate 30% more than she is “supposed to.” And now, she’s back to not wanting to eat, because she appears to be teething (she chews on the nipple, doesn’t want to suck, yadda yadda.) I guess that’s just the way babies are. Last week, Cody was feeding Stella, and despite how much I love her (so much that it makes me crazy sometimes), I just wanted to leave. I didn’t want to hear the crying. I didn’t want to worry myself sick. I didn”t want to wrestle with the mystery of  “what is wrong now.” I just wanted her to be okay. To be healthy and happy. How can such a simple wish be so heavy?

Well, today I’m in a different place. Cody just fed her. She took about 100, far below her usual. But I don’t feel the need to avoid the situation. I am not as worried. Something has changed. Maybe because for the few days preceding this teething strike, she ate like a champ. She ate like you read about. She ate like eating was hip and she was a hipster. She ate like it was the only thing worth doing. So, if for a few days she doesn’t eat as much, how can I really worry? She is doing what she needs to do. I trust her. She is not the baby that used to scream her head off when she saw the bottle. Nowadays, if she doesn’t want to eat, she chews on the bottle. The bottle is her buddy, not her enemy. Her new tooth isn’t a buddy at the moment, but that’s okay. She is a baby, doing normal baby things. I am a new-ish mom. Experiencing normal new mom things. We are “normal.” (As normal as there is, anyway.) There is no tube. There is no feeding aversion. We are so blessed. And to worry this time in our lives away would be criminal.

Seriously. She is so cute I can’t stand it. I am so mindblowingly lucky. And gratitude now outweighs worry. By far. What a difference a few months make.

With that, I’m dragging Cody and Stella to Molly Moon’s. After all the emotional progress I’ve made, a sundae is in order. Make it snappy. And don’t you dare skimp on the whipped cream.

Stella Hungry.

Posted on by amberhj

Diaper or fashion statement?

Diaper or fashion statement?

Stella took a little more than 34 ounces (1,030 mls) of 24-calorie-per-ounce formula today. The high end of normal for this age is 32 ounces of 20-calorie-per-ounce breast milk or formula. She’s been eating like this for a few days. Holy moly.

We stopped giving her Prevacid. She is now only taking Zantac. Yay for less drugs in my baby’s system! We also greatly reduced the amount of baby food we put in her bottles as the amount of prunes we were putting in before may’ve had a laxative effect. Oy.

Her legs are too long for all her pants. Onesies have to be stretched to fit her. She may not be a chubbabutt–that’s not who she is or how she’s built–but she is getting long! The girl is growing… I can barely keep up! And we’re going through Cheerios like nobody’s business.

She may double in size by week’s end. Stay tuned.

Toes company

Posted on by amberhj

Stella would be very happy if left naked and able to nibble on her toes all day long. That’s right. Today, she finally, after many past efforts, put her foot in her mouth, and chomped on her big toe. And then she kept doing it. Over and over.

She is talking more and more. Making a wider variety of sounds, including one very wordy sounding verbal concoction that sounded something like, “a-GOW-ya-ma.” Though, she mostly sticks to the basics: motorboat noises, monster growling, and the simple but timeless classic, hollering (at the top of her lungs). Also, she laughs and squeals. A lot. It’s delightful.

Stella and I enjoy some lovely conversation after eating brunch at Tom's.

Stella and I enjoy some lovely conversation after eating brunch at Tom's.

Stella had a ball with Phyllis and Josh today at Tom's! Stella only yanked on Phyllis' hair once--not bad!

Stella had a ball with Phyllis and Josh today at Tom's! Stella only yanked on Phyllis' hair once--not bad!

We had brunch at Tom’s today. We were able to time our visit between feedings and naps and it worked out perfectly. Stella really enjoyed it for the most part! A few people held her and she was cool with it. At one point though, due to teething or sunshine in her facem, she wailed briefly. Tom’s new dog immediately chimed in, howling along with her. It was so cute I almost threw up my waffles and bacon onto the table.

We have ceased to measure how many milliliters she takes from the bottle each day. I knew by a rough mental count that she would up around 1,000 yesterday, but I didn’t write anything down or keep anything resembling close track. There is no need to obsess about it anymore. Actually, the need has been gone for a while now, but until this weekend, I was still very much compelled to write it all down. Every little ml. It was a total compulsion. An ingrained habit. Throughout Stella’s feeding aversion and time with the tube, I think that writing things down gave me a feeling of control. That somehow, by recording it all, I could see the problem more clearly and make it better. There was a lot of love and fear in those notebooks and Excel spreadsheets… exhibits A through Z in making a case for getting her the help she needed. But she’s beyond that now. We all are.

Tomorrow, we will visit Stella’s occupational therapist, Robin Glass at Seattle Children’s, probably for the last time. We have some questions for her. We would love some guidance on how to fit in baby food amid her bottles, which she has just recently come to love. We are putting baby food in her bottles, so that may affect how much baby food we can offer by spoon. We’ll see. I’m really looking forward to seeing Robin and thanking her from the bottom of my heart, feet, soul and gallbladder.

Stella will be six months old in nine days, on February 17th. I can’t yet fathom this. We will definitely be celebrating her half-year mark with half a cake and plenty of champagne. Rose champagne, of course.

A “grand” day

Posted on by amberhj

Stella, ready for adventure. We took a long walk this evening, and enjoyed every minute of it!

Stella, ready for adventure. We took a long walk this evening, and enjoyed every minute of it!

Today, Stella enjoyed 1000 mls from the bottle.

It’s our family’s equivalent of breaking the sound barrier, or walking on the moon. It’s historic and worthy of endless news coverage.

I just fed her. It’s such a lovely, peaceful, fulfilling, loving experience–even if it’s not breastfeeding anymore! We sit in the rocking chair next to her crib, moving in a gentle rhythm. She lounges in my lap, very relaxed, but always winds up with one of her hands gripping the arm of the chair. (It’s adorable, and another sign that Stella likes to be in charge.) She usually drifts off to sleep as she drains the bottle, nestling her head into me. I put her in the crib, admire her for a moment more, then leave the room, feeling a bit like I’m walking on a cloud.

Back down to earth. Stella had about five MAJOR poops today. We definitely overdid it with the prunes in her bottle. Let’s just say that we are scaling back on that. But now we know what to do if constipation ever becomes an issue for Miss Stella Bella. I won’t go on, but trust me, Cody and I can talk AT LENGTH about her bowel movements and never think for one moment, “Oh, this is a weird topic” or “Man, this is getting old.” To us, it’s as interesting and complex and potentially controversial (“You can’t seriously believe that this counts as diarrhea!?”) as politics.

In other news, she is sitting up very well these days. Rolls regularly. Talking more and more–she’s got a really powerful set of pipes. We’re talking operatic. We went to a PEPS meeting today, so Stella got to hang out with about six other babies her age and we got to hang out with 12 other new parents.  Stella and another baby made very similar noises and had on near identical outfits. She held hands with a couple other babies. They each just instinctively reached out for each other chubby paws and held on. It was a sight to see (and hear). Stella was most interested in chewing on her shoe, but still. She had fun and interacted with peers. Fabulous!

PEPS is such a good thing for us. We re-connected with people and were made to feel welcome after being gone from PEPS for a while due to Stella’s trials with her feeding aversion and tube. We also felt a lot more normal. It’s hard to have healthy perspective when you’re isolated. Being around other new parents is hugely helpful–it makes us we realize that we are not alone in our challenges, and that babies all develop at their own pace and that is perfectly, wonderfully okay.

We saw my parents via Skype this evening. They asked if our days with the tube felt far away, if all the feeding issues seemed to have occurred long ago. I had to say, very honestly, “Yes. It feels like another life.”

But we strive to never take things for granted. I still keep a very watchful eye on her eating habits. More importantly, I truly savor my time with Stella. I squeeze the juice out of many of our moments together, then lick the rind to make sure I got all the goodness out.

A new mantra

Posted on by amberhj

Ready to go

Ready to go

Stella continues to eat and grow! Despite the fact that she is teething, she is very friendly with the bottle. I can feel one upper tooth about to pop through. And I notice that she often sticks her finger on that very spot and bites down to ease the pain.Her cheeks are extremely rosy at times. I know that she gets this from her father (he used to complain about his cheeks, but he can’t do that anymore, not after seeing how cute they are on Stella) but I also think it’s due to teething. It’s a cute glow that just adds to her happy aura.

We took her to a party this Saturday, and it was a little overwhelming for Miss Stella! She was very whiny and uncomfortable at first. She’s not used to that much noise and that many people, and she recently started showing stranger anxiety, a developmental phase that usually happens later, around eight months or so I believe. But all in all it was a fun outing. She did fabulously, growing more comfortable as the night went on and chowing down (200 mls!) in her carseat on the way home.

I continue to have small but intense bouts of worry here and there, when she goes for a long stretch without eating or when we offer her the bottle and she’s not hungry. But it’s all normal baby stuff, not a sign of a huge problem. I guess normalcy takes some getting used to. When you’ve been worrying intensely for months, as I have, it’s hard to just let it go. My brain needs some time to re-wire itself. In an attempt to speed this process along, I often repeat a simple mantra in my head, while I’m feeding her, or whenever I feel worry creep up:

“All is well.”

Days 22 through 25: Stella got her groove back

Posted on by amberhj

As Stella’s occupational therapist put it, “Stella has internalized the joy of eating.”

Her feeding aversion is, well, history. A memory. Though not a distant memory, of course. We still get nervous if she goes for a long stretch without eating. We still watch her eating behavior like mama and papa hawks, and breathe a sigh of relief when she finishes a bottle. But mostly, we are in complete awe of Stella’s incredible appetite. Her ability to down six ounces in less than five minutes. It’s nothing short of a miracle. But then, miracles don’t come easy. You have to work for them. You have to be patient. And you have to believe. There were moments when this wonderful outcome didn’t seem possible. But deep down, we always knew she could do it. That the tube had to go. There was no question.

Stella’s intake for the last week has been between 770 to 875 mls a day. Of course, her formula is made at a 20% higher caloric concentration than typical breastmilk or formula. So she’s getting quite a lot of nourishment, which is quite evident in her diapers! The really crazy part, for us, is that she now takes in 160-180 mls at a time. We remember the days of her taking only 20 to 45 mls, and thinking, “Well, that’s good! She’s eating, and we can build on that!” Then we were absolutely thrilled when she showed she could take 100 mls on occasion. We remember her screaming at the sight of the bottle, arching her back and tossing her head back when the bottle was offered. Now she lunges toward the bottle and pulls it to her mouth. She cries UNTIL she sees the bottle. It’s just astounding.

I remember driving one day, during a wind storm that hit at the height of Stella’s eating troubles, listening to Patty Griffin’s “Love Throw a Line” and singing and crying. This was back when I was so sick with worry, and so overwhelmed, that I couldn’t eat or sleep.  I stopped at a light and looked up to see a mighty, towering evergreen tree whipped up into a frenzy by the wind. The trunk was bending and swaying and the bows were being tossed about so vigorously that the tree looked angry, as if it were fighting back at the storm. Yet, it was clear that this tree could handle the winds. In fact, it was designed to withstand such a storm and had lived through hundreds of them. I saw myself in the tree and its wild, fitful dance. In that moment, even though I’d been feeling like I was losing my grip, I knew I could handle it. That I would help Stella recover, and that we would be okay. Even as Stella and I struggled, we were staying strong at the same time. Just like that tree. I’ll always remember it.

Yes, we’ve weathered a storm. That said, during our stay at Seattle Children’s Hospital, I was struck by how incredibly lucky we are to have Stella–a healthy, happy child, who had a temporary, treatable issue with eating. There are so many children and babies just struggling to survive. Babies like Kayleigh Freeman, who was born weighing just one pound and who has defied all the odds, and bounced back after countless surgeries and trials. (We bought bracelets to support her and will wear them with pride when they arrive!) This experience with Stella has truly opened my heart. I already loved all babies and children, but now there is a whole new layer to that love. A compelling urge to help little ones in need. Cody and I already sponsored a child, and recently, I signed us up to sponsor another little girl–her name is Anyi and she lives in Honduras.

We’ve learned and grown so much over the past five months. (Can you believe she is five months old???) We are truly blessed. Stella is thriving and, as always, an absolute joy. I want to help other parents find the same feeling of  happiness and relief that we have experienced. In the coming weeks, I will find a way to put my strengths, talents and passion to work for children who are struggling. If I can make life even just a little bit better for even just one other baby, well, it would make our experiences all the more meaningful.

You know that feeling after a storm has passed? Quiet and calm settles in over everything. There is a striking stillness in things recently battered by what seemed like relentless winds. The scents and colors of the earth are more vibrant thanks to the rain. That’s what it’s like around here now. Brighter and more peaceful. Except for the teething.

Ha! Now we get to focus more on all the “normal” baby challenges and happenings. Every time I bend down to pick up the teether toy that Stella has dropped for the thousandth time, I smile.