infant

A “grand” day

Posted on by amberhj

Stella, ready for adventure. We took a long walk this evening, and enjoyed every minute of it!

Stella, ready for adventure. We took a long walk this evening, and enjoyed every minute of it!

Today, Stella enjoyed 1000 mls from the bottle.

It’s our family’s equivalent of breaking the sound barrier, or walking on the moon. It’s historic and worthy of endless news coverage.

I just fed her. It’s such a lovely, peaceful, fulfilling, loving experience–even if it’s not breastfeeding anymore! We sit in the rocking chair next to her crib, moving in a gentle rhythm. She lounges in my lap, very relaxed, but always winds up with one of her hands gripping the arm of the chair. (It’s adorable, and another sign that Stella likes to be in charge.) She usually drifts off to sleep as she drains the bottle, nestling her head into me. I put her in the crib, admire her for a moment more, then leave the room, feeling a bit like I’m walking on a cloud.

Back down to earth. Stella had about five MAJOR poops today. We definitely overdid it with the prunes in her bottle. Let’s just say that we are scaling back on that. But now we know what to do if constipation ever becomes an issue for Miss Stella Bella. I won’t go on, but trust me, Cody and I can talk AT LENGTH about her bowel movements and never think for one moment, “Oh, this is a weird topic” or “Man, this is getting old.” To us, it’s as interesting and complex and potentially controversial (“You can’t seriously believe that this counts as diarrhea!?”) as politics.

In other news, she is sitting up very well these days. Rolls regularly. Talking more and more–she’s got a really powerful set of pipes. We’re talking operatic. We went to a PEPS meeting today, so Stella got to hang out with about six other babies her age and we got to hang out with 12 other new parents.  Stella and another baby made very similar noises and had on near identical outfits. She held hands with a couple other babies. They each just instinctively reached out for each other chubby paws and held on. It was a sight to see (and hear). Stella was most interested in chewing on her shoe, but still. She had fun and interacted with peers. Fabulous!

PEPS is such a good thing for us. We re-connected with people and were made to feel welcome after being gone from PEPS for a while due to Stella’s trials with her feeding aversion and tube. We also felt a lot more normal. It’s hard to have healthy perspective when you’re isolated. Being around other new parents is hugely helpful–it makes us we realize that we are not alone in our challenges, and that babies all develop at their own pace and that is perfectly, wonderfully okay.

We saw my parents via Skype this evening. They asked if our days with the tube felt far away, if all the feeding issues seemed to have occurred long ago. I had to say, very honestly, “Yes. It feels like another life.”

But we strive to never take things for granted. I still keep a very watchful eye on her eating habits. More importantly, I truly savor my time with Stella. I squeeze the juice out of many of our moments together, then lick the rind to make sure I got all the goodness out.

Days 22 through 25: Stella got her groove back

Posted on by amberhj

As Stella’s occupational therapist put it, “Stella has internalized the joy of eating.”

Her feeding aversion is, well, history. A memory. Though not a distant memory, of course. We still get nervous if she goes for a long stretch without eating. We still watch her eating behavior like mama and papa hawks, and breathe a sigh of relief when she finishes a bottle. But mostly, we are in complete awe of Stella’s incredible appetite. Her ability to down six ounces in less than five minutes. It’s nothing short of a miracle. But then, miracles don’t come easy. You have to work for them. You have to be patient. And you have to believe. There were moments when this wonderful outcome didn’t seem possible. But deep down, we always knew she could do it. That the tube had to go. There was no question.

Stella’s intake for the last week has been between 770 to 875 mls a day. Of course, her formula is made at a 20% higher caloric concentration than typical breastmilk or formula. So she’s getting quite a lot of nourishment, which is quite evident in her diapers! The really crazy part, for us, is that she now takes in 160-180 mls at a time. We remember the days of her taking only 20 to 45 mls, and thinking, “Well, that’s good! She’s eating, and we can build on that!” Then we were absolutely thrilled when she showed she could take 100 mls on occasion. We remember her screaming at the sight of the bottle, arching her back and tossing her head back when the bottle was offered. Now she lunges toward the bottle and pulls it to her mouth. She cries UNTIL she sees the bottle. It’s just astounding.

I remember driving one day, during a wind storm that hit at the height of Stella’s eating troubles, listening to Patty Griffin’s “Love Throw a Line” and singing and crying. This was back when I was so sick with worry, and so overwhelmed, that I couldn’t eat or sleep.  I stopped at a light and looked up to see a mighty, towering evergreen tree whipped up into a frenzy by the wind. The trunk was bending and swaying and the bows were being tossed about so vigorously that the tree looked angry, as if it were fighting back at the storm. Yet, it was clear that this tree could handle the winds. In fact, it was designed to withstand such a storm and had lived through hundreds of them. I saw myself in the tree and its wild, fitful dance. In that moment, even though I’d been feeling like I was losing my grip, I knew I could handle it. That I would help Stella recover, and that we would be okay. Even as Stella and I struggled, we were staying strong at the same time. Just like that tree. I’ll always remember it.

Yes, we’ve weathered a storm. That said, during our stay at Seattle Children’s Hospital, I was struck by how incredibly lucky we are to have Stella–a healthy, happy child, who had a temporary, treatable issue with eating. There are so many children and babies just struggling to survive. Babies like Kayleigh Freeman, who was born weighing just one pound and who has defied all the odds, and bounced back after countless surgeries and trials. (We bought bracelets to support her and will wear them with pride when they arrive!) This experience with Stella has truly opened my heart. I already loved all babies and children, but now there is a whole new layer to that love. A compelling urge to help little ones in need. Cody and I already sponsored a child, and recently, I signed us up to sponsor another little girl–her name is Anyi and she lives in Honduras.

We’ve learned and grown so much over the past five months. (Can you believe she is five months old???) We are truly blessed. Stella is thriving and, as always, an absolute joy. I want to help other parents find the same feeling of  happiness and relief that we have experienced. In the coming weeks, I will find a way to put my strengths, talents and passion to work for children who are struggling. If I can make life even just a little bit better for even just one other baby, well, it would make our experiences all the more meaningful.

You know that feeling after a storm has passed? Quiet and calm settles in over everything. There is a striking stillness in things recently battered by what seemed like relentless winds. The scents and colors of the earth are more vibrant thanks to the rain. That’s what it’s like around here now. Brighter and more peaceful. Except for the teething.

Ha! Now we get to focus more on all the “normal” baby challenges and happenings. Every time I bend down to pick up the teether toy that Stella has dropped for the thousandth time, I smile.

Days 18, 19 and 20: Stella turns a corner!

Posted on by amberhj

Finally, we can all relax.

Finally, we can all relax.

I love Christmas. A tree is a must, of course. In fact, a Christmas tree really has to be at least six feet tall for it to feel right to me. I’ve been collecting ornaments for years and love every one of them. Now that we live in a house, I wanted to decorate the porch with lights so that our home was as festive on the outside as it was on the inside. I bought many more strings of lights than was necessary, put them up with care, plugged them in, and–nothing happened. The lights worked when I plugged them in indoors, but the outdoor socket was a dud, apparently. I was disappointed, but quickly moved on. Both lazy and distracted by the goings on with Stella, I just left the lights hanging up out there, an ineffectual tribute to my holiday spirit. Or so I thought.

Last weekend, Cody and I attended his company’s holiday party, delayed due to Seattle’s crazy holiday weather. We were gone for five hours, and, yes, we did manage to find topics of conversation other than Stella–though of course we talked about her eating, poop, and cuteness at least a few times each. Upon arriving home, I believe we were arguing about some petty little thing that I can’t recall when we looked up and noticed that the Christmas lights on our front porch were ON. The festive, unexpected sight stopped us in our tracks.

We still have no idea how it happened. Neither does our friend Barb, who was watching Stella that evening, or our landlord. We flipped every switch we could find to see if we could figure out what had given them power. We never found an answer. So, we have chaulked it up as a “post-Christmas” miracle. A sign.

Yes, it may be magical thinking and total conicidence, but since the icicle lights’ spontaneous illumination, Stella’s eating has steadily improved. She didn’t eat much while we were at the party, but she did take 200 mls from Cody before bed that night–a lot in a short amount of time. In fact, since that mini-miracle, feeding has become enjoyable for all of us! Something has changed in Stella. And THAT is truly miraculous. 

We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. There could very well be more ups and downs as Stella continues to adjust to life without the tube. Actually, I’m sure there will be. But what really, really amazes us is the shift in her mindset and behavior around eating. Over the last couple of days, Stella has decided that she WANTS TO EAT. She gets hungry often, and when she sees the bottle, she LUNGES toward it, grabbing it with both hands, pulling it to her mouth and sucking on the nipple before we have a chance to settle into our new, seated, comfortable, relaxed, unswaddled feeding position. I can’t tell you how incredible this is. We are in awe.

The numbers aren’t as important as what I’ve just described. However… on Thursday, she took 700 mls. Friday, she took it up a notch to 725. Saturday, she upped the ante to 770. And today, she ate a whopping 875–with gusto! Stella has left no doubt. She can do this. She IS doing this.

There is a new energy in our household. Joy? No, that was always there, surrounding Stella, even with the tube. I think it’s relaxation. After so many months of worry, it’s another little miracle to savor.

Days 16 and 17: Sweet, sweet progress!

Posted on by amberhj

Stella, reviewing today's blog post. She's a stickler for accuracy.

Stella, reviewing today's blog post. She's a stickler for accuracy.

Today, Stella had 700 mls, which makes it a great day. It’s all part of her overall upward trend in bottle feeding.

I’m excited report is that Stella is no longer swaddled. At all. She is not swaddled when she sleeps, nor when she eats! This is huge! She seems more able to calm herself, which is an important skill–especially in her case, as not so long ago she would get very agitated at the mere SIGHT of the bottle.

At the suggestion of Marguerite in Graz as well as Stella’s dietician, I just  tried adding a bit of sweet baby food (apple and pear, both of which she has enjoyed in recent weeks) to her bottle, to sweeten the formula and perhaps increase its appeal. Well, she just took all 150 mls of this new concoction! We are flying high right now. The best part is that she drank it all down with one hand in mine, and the other hand resting peacefully on the neck of the bottle. How far she has come! I, on the other hand, was able to sit in bed comfortably while feeding her, totally relaxed. How far I have come from the days of standing, shushing, squatting and stressing! Okay, I still get stressed, but not with the intensity and frequency of previous weeks and months.

Interestingly, Stella has moved on from quaint motorboat noises to raspy monster noises. We take turns growling at each other, and it’s great fun. My throat can’t take much more of it, but judging from her persistance and enthusiasm, she is determined to continue this pattern for days on end.

In other Stella news, flood warnings have been issued in our area as her drool output continues to soar! I am using BLANKETS to sop it up. That’s right, blankets. I think tomorrow I’ll put a bucket under her bouncy seat. It’s really quite impressive.

All in all, Stella continues to amaze us in every way.

Day 15: Ugh.

Posted on by amberhj

Today was tough. It’s almost 11pm and her tally is 530mls. She is resisting the bottle. She’ll act like she wants to eat, latch onto the bottle, then quickly pull away from it, and repeat that sequence several times until we give up. We have to honor her choice when she says, “no.”

She is still happy and energetic. We try our best not to worry about tubes and other interventions and hold onto our faith in Stella! Today was a hopeful day, with Obama taking office, and we are trying our best to maintain that kind of positive energy. It’s hard as hell, but we can do it. We have to!

Day 14: Manic Monday

Posted on by amberhj

Stella has been free from the tube for two weeks as of today. Clearly, she’s made fantastic progress. Yesterday, she showed us that she can do it. We now believe that it’s just a matter of time before that level of intake becomes the norm for her.

HOWEVER. Today was a bit of a struggle. She resisted eating quite a bit. As of 10pm, she’s taken about 600 mls. Not bad. But I have been concerned about her resistance–her behavior around eating. So we are taking a step back to make sure we aren’t forcing the bottle, just offering it. She has come so far and we don’t want to do anything to set her back.

I completely freaked out today. I just about lost it. Frustration and impatience got the best of me. I threw another bottle. Something I said I’d never do again. And you’re probably wondering why, after Stella did so well yesterday, would I get so upset? Well, she took most of her bottles from Cody yesterday and I was beginning to wonder if she wasn’t eating as well with me. That, along with Friday’s appointment, brought my confidence level way down and I began to fear that I was somehow holding Stella back or messing everything up with my worry and with how I hold her when I feed her, whether I am reading her cues or offering the bottle at the right time. She only took small amounts at a time from me today, except for her first bottle, and it was not easy. I guess I began to overthink everything. I let worry take over. After yesterday, today felt like a letdown and I really blamed myself.

So, I am taking some deep breaths as I set my intentions for tomorrow, a day that will be full of history and hope due to the inauguration. There is a lot of good energy in the air and I want to be part of that. I want to celebrate with Stella. I want to calmly offer her the bottle when she seems hungry, or when it’s been a good while since she’s eaten, and if she says “no”, I will honor that and trust that she will eat when she is ready. She will tell me what she needs. She always does. I just need  turn down the dial on the noisey distraction that is panic, and listen.

Days 12 and 13: A big meltdown. A bigger milestone.

Posted on by amberhj

I am an incredibly emotional and sensitive person. After reflecting on this and how it relates to my new role, I said to my own mom, while she was here to offer desperately needed support for almost three weeks when Stella’s tube was put in, “Motherhood will either break me, or make me incredibly strong.” But as any mother knows, breaking is not an option. There is only one choice: strength. And I am slowly but surely building it, though the journey has been a wild one so far.

This weekend, I let worry get the best of me a few times. I wasn’t so strong. After Friday’s appointment, I felt angry. I got down on myself and my ability to get Stella through these eating challenges, and I even updated Cody’s facebook profile status with an insult toward myself–a childish bit of dark humor that got him into some trouble.

I’ve said it to you already but I want to say it here as well. I am sorry about that, Cody. In general, you’ve been incredibly tolerant of an unbelievable amount of emotional upheaval from yours truly, and I really do appreciate it. You’ve been a wonderful source of confidence and support for Stella, as well. When I falter, you step up. And vice versa, though that happens a lot less often because you are the more stable one!

Anyway, we had a big night out on Saturday evening. Our friend Barb, who is awesomeness personified, watched Stella and it went very well. Stella didn’t eat much while we were gone, but Robin, Stella’s occupational therapist, put this in perspective for me. She explained that when babies’ schedules are disrupted,  they regress in some way. It’s absolutely normal baby behavior. Eating happens to be Stella’s most immature skill, so it’s most likely to fall apart in times of upheaval. Besides, Stella downed 200 mls after we got home and went to bed with a fully belly.

Stella had a remarkable day today. She was even more happy than usual! She is now JUMPING in her bouncer/activity center thingee, and her associated delight is infectious! She is rolling from her belly to her back with increased frequency and ease–back-to-belly rolling having been much easier for her for some reason. And (drumroll please)… as of 9pm, she has taken 780 mls from the bottle today! Let me explain the HUGENESS of this number. It is roughly the amount she took in her per day when she had the tube. Only this time, the tube didn’t give her half of that total. She did it all by herself.

I’ve explained this before but it bears mentioning again. When I was pregnant and hadn’t felt her kick in what seemed like a long while, I would start to worry. Eventually that worry got pushy, and needed an outlet, and so I would tell Cody about my concern. And as soon as the words came out of my mouth, Stella would do backflips, cartwheels and perform full routines from Broadway musicals, letting me know that not only was she just fine, but that she had learned a few new dance moves. When the tube was in and we were waiting for her bottle intake to rise so that we wouldn’t need to use the tube, she’d have days where things looked a bit bleak. Cody and I would talk about how worried we were, and not long after, Stella would polish off a whole bottle and we would be completely renewed. And today, just when I’d let worry take over again, she did it. She took 780 mls from the bottle.

Once again, she is telling me that she is okay. She is telling me to have faith in her. She’s telling me that she can do this. She’s telling me, in no uncertain terms, that my worry is misplaced.

Stella, I am listening. You teach and amaze me each and every day. You give me strength. I can’t wait to one day tell you the long, winding story of how, as a little baby, you overcame obstacles and showed everyone that you thrive in the face of challenges. And I’ll eagerly tell you the best part–that you did it all with a big, beaming smile.

Tube-free Stella: Day 8

Posted on by amberhj

Stella finished four bottles today! I believe it was her best day, in terms of how much she ate, since the tube came out.

I weighed her today and it appears she’s lost three ounces since Friday, and weight loss isn’t something a new mom likes to see, but I am truly not worried. Her eating is improving and I have no doubt that she will get to where she needs to be, and soon. Actually, she is where she needs to be right now. It’s a period of transition. She is not used to feeling so much hunger, or driving her own intake. Stella is doing a fantastic job adjusting to a whole new paradigm!

Tube-free Stella: Days 6 and 7

Posted on by amberhj

Weaning continues to go well! It’s hard to believe that the tube has been gone for one week. Though I must say, we’ve quickly gotten used to life without it–even our old nemesis, worry, is fading a bit each day. We look at pictures of her with the tube and marvel at what we’ve all been through.

Stella is very vocal these days. Her hunger cues are becoming more clear, and somehow, more adorable. The main cue is a soft, high-pitched whimpering with a furrowed brow. Though, sometimes it’s loud, disgruntled yelling and angry, crunched eyebrows. I guess it depends on how hungry and/or tired she is.

Today, she polished off two bottles and was sucking on the empty nipple! Her other feedings went well overall. Sometimes she still shows a little resistance, but usually only when she’s tired. In those cases, we offer it to her, she refuses, so we put the bottle down, play or just hang out until she offers more cues, then offer the bottle again. At most of her feedings, she takes right to the bottle. And we were surprised, a couple of times, by how soon she wanted to eat again following a feeding. We see it as a very good sign!

She has been sleeping through the night, for a good nine to ten hours. Actually, she’s been doing this for a while. But now, without the tube, we don’t have to wake up every three hours to load up the pump. We get to enjoy it! My brain is slowly settling down, allowing me to fall asleep a bit easier. The wisdom and support I’ve been receiving from Robin and Marguerite has made a huge difference in terms of my ability to minimize and deal with worry about Stella’s intake. I had my first acupuncture treatment ever today, and I’m hoping that will also help calm my nerves and restore my body’s reserves–it’s still a bit depleted from feeding anxiety and childbirth.

Stella is thriving. She is a joy to be around. We just feel so incredibly lucky. I suppose this whole ordeal has somehow helped us appreciate her all the more.

Tube-free Stella: Days 4 and 5

Posted on by amberhj

Stella’s appointment with her pediatrician went well yesterday. She weighed in at 14 pounds, 13 ounces. He said that she looks good and will see her in a week. He is optimistic and doesn’t even think she will lose any weight.

Still, I confess that I have been worried. Stella has eaten “only” about 5 times and taken in 410 mls today. I’m not supposed to count but with the numbers right there on the bottle, it seems impossible to avoid keeping a mental tally. The solution, I suppose, is to place no importance on the numbers. They just aren’t important right now.

I am in the midst of a major internal struggle. And my state of mind affects Stella. So I sat down just now and asked myself, “How can I stop worrying? What can I tell myself to shut down my negative, fearful internal voice and pump up the positive, hopeful, joyful voice?”

Well…

  • Stella is happy, healthy and energetic. She smiles a lot. She’s rolling like crazy. She is giving me every indication that she is more than fine.
  • Dr. Devorah Steinecker, Dr. Numrych, Robin Glass, Barb Schlick (new to team Stella, she is a dietician) and Dr. Marguerite Dunitz-Scheer, all medical professionals and/or renowned experts in the area of baby/childhood feeding issues, are very confident that she will resume normal eating and recover from her aversion. Honestly, what more than that could I possibly need to squash this worrying?
  • Stella has already made so much progress in the eating department. She’s shown that she can do this.
  • I have been warned that her weight gain my stop for a while or that she may lose a little weight. So a day like today is to be expected in the weaning process.
  • She could eat a lot more tomorrow. She could down a bunch of mls in an hour. She will eat more when she is ready. And it will likely be soon.
  • Stella is smart and capable of knowing what she needs and telling me just that.
  • It’s only been a few days since the tube came out. The tube was in for two months, and her aversion took three months to develop before that. Stella has just undergone a huge change and needs time to adjust.
  • In my heart, I know that she does NOT need the tube.
  • I have done everything I can for her. There is no point to the worry that I have been feeling. It won’t help Stella, it won’t improve the situation, so why do it?
  • Miracles happen every day and positive thinking encourages them.
  • You attract what you focus on. So I can focus on her successes, and help her have more of them.

In closing, I’ll share something Marguerite told me via email from Austria:

“All seems very well from my distant little eye. Keep up and enjoy life. Sometimes parents have been worrying for so long and so much that they find it hard not to have a target for worrying anymore. In such cases I say: buy a neurotic goldfish and try to get tied up about feeding it. Please stop trying to feed Stella at all. Just provide food, have it around and let her decide what and when and how much she wants.”

I may, in fact, buy a goldfish. Stella would probably enjoy seeing him swim. And it may serve to remind me of the incredible bits of wisdom that have been given to me by Robin Glass, Marguerite and Devorah. They all believe in Stella. So do I.